We are now passing all the dates of those scans back in 2013 when I discovered that “something was wrong” with my much wanted and loved baby. They were 9 years ago now, far too long ago.
Circumstances since then have meant that there was no sibling for Oscar, there was no “redo” on my pregnancy; Oscar has been my only chance at being a Mum.
And now? Well my age means that there is more of a chance that it will never happen. That there won’t be another baby; that dream will never happen for me. And who knows if that’s something I will ever be ok with.
The shops are starting to fill with Christmas gifts already. I’ve no idea what 8 year olds are into these days; I should know, I should be parenting one and I hate that I’m not.
And what, as Oscar’s Mum, should I have done last night? Lit a candle for an hour. To remember. Well you know what? Some days remembering is just too hard. Some days I don’t want to just remember.
Sometimes I just wish there was a way to go back in time for just one more cuddle, just to hold him again and then I remember that would never be enough. That I’d always want more. That I’d always just want to be his Mum in every day life rather than Mum to a memory.
There will always be a part of me that wants more than just the candle, more than the photos and more than the memories and sometimes that part is bloody hard to deal with. Especially the knowing that there will never be a way to change that. That whatever happens in the future there will always be a part of me that is missing, that will be wondering “what if” and will want what I cannot have.
So tomorrow? Well I’ll just pick myself up and lock all the wishes and thoughts away again because there is no other choice. I’ll enjoy holidays, I’ll enjoy days out, but there will always be a part of me that wants what I can’t have. That as much as I am enjoying what I’m doing I would be prepared to give it all up for Oscar. That i would take every positive memory I’ve made since and risk them all on Oscar. If only….
Oscar's Story 