Tomorrow marks 23 months since Oscar’s birth and the beginning of that cycle of “significant days.” March was the month that all my due dates were in (three different hospitals, and none of them used the same one!) and March was the month that I imagined we would have a baby right back when when we found out we were expecting. March is also the month Mother’s Day falls in in the UK.
In 2014, March was the month I assumed that Oscar would be born in. It was also the month I assumed he would die in.
Tomorrow Oscar should turn 23 months old; instead it is just another reminder that he reached just 23 days.
When Oscar died, I couldn’t imagine the next day, I couldn’t see any future at all. There just didn’t seem to be any point.
Then, inevitably, time did move on. The days since he died turned into weeks, months and in just a couple of months I will be able to say years.
If anyone had said that I would be connecting his 23 days to the day he would have turned 23 months, I would have assumed they were crazy. It seems such an odd milestone to find significant. But, yet here I am. And now, I’ve made that connection, I feel like I should post something to acknowledge it.
I have a host of posts I am working on, I could have easily finished and posted one of them. There are beautiful “unseen” pictures of Oscar that I want to share. Yet, instead I am posting a disjointed mess.
I guess in a way it makes sense. Grief doesn’t follow a linear path; there is nothing right or wrong that a person should feel. There are days when the strangest of things trigger memories.
In my hometown, there is a shop window display I noticed the other day:
The first time I saw this window it was triggering. You see, Oscar had that bunny:
And the front of Oscar’s PICU diary is pirate themed:
My mind decided to connect the two when I saw the shop window.
No-one could have predicted that. To anyone but me, it is completely insignificant. Me seeing that couldn’t have been prevented, nor should anyone have to. Actually, once I worked through the original feelings it triggered, I’ve not been bothered by seeing it again.
But, it did bother me, if only for a few hours. And that, I am learning, is how grief works. There are some ridiculous triggers that shock you and you then work our how to deal with them. For me, acknowledgement is key. Recognising that silly feelings and strange anniversaries are okay. That it is okay to acknowledge that 23 months reminds you of 23 days. And in my own little corner (or rather Oscar’s corner) of the internet, it is okay to post the slightly crazy and disjointed.
So, on March 1st, I will acknowledge that 23 days is no where close to 23 months, but those 23 days still happened. And they counted.